While the frigid temperatures of winter make it difficult to comfortably wait for subways, there are always options: layers, warm drinks and long hugs with strangers. During the summer, however, there are laws against marching around the streets of New York nude, fanning oneself furiously with all of the pamphlets for cell phones and restaurants people try to pawn off on hurried passers-by.
I was walking home on Friday night after work, mostly thinking about the air conditioning that was about 7 minutes in my future (set on a timer, for those of you worried about my wasting energy), when I was viciously and for no reason AT ALL attacked by this:
Pigeons in New York have a different attitude than other birds that are just passing through. They march around the five boroughs saying things like, “You gonna feed me, mofo?” and “Get any closer and I will HURT YOU.” They are aggressive little creatures – but their attitude is closer to the West Side Story gangs than the Bloods or the Crips. They will be rude, but will back down while singing and dancing about it.Which is why I was surprised when I walked toward one on the way home and it didn’t fly away, it flew at me. I raised my arms, surprised, and out of the corner of my eye saw the women standing next to me do the same. I felt a wing, a rush of air, and then nothing. I slowly lowered my arms, and looked around. I appeared to be unharmed.
The woman looked back with that same startled expression, and then started smiling. I did the same. Suddenly, we were both laughing. I nodded, she did the same, and that was it. We both parted ways, sharing the knowledge that we were attacked by the killer pigeon but survived to tell the tale.
There will be a reward for any information leading to the arrest and conviction of this outlaw pigeon. Eyes open, people – we are all at risk!
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