Fun with Dick and Jane

Between the rain, the hour we all lost on Sunday, the apocalyptic economy and the pre-Spring slump, everyone seems a little worn out. If I made New Year’s resolutions, I’d have broken them at least a month ago.

Some of us, however, last longer than others. Take my neighbor, for instance. We’ve never met, but I’m pretty sure she has more willpower than I have ever had. This apocryphal woman finally broke her resolution, and it only took 25 years or so.

There is a ledge near the mailboxes in my building. The mailman leaves packages there, but neighbors will occasionally leave free stuff – books, clothing, bungee cords, to name a few things I’ve seen. Not much surprises me anymore, but I came home the other day and saw some items being offered that straddled the line between junk, kitsch and antiques:

Can’t you just imagine the life these VHS tapes led before being cast out onto an apartment building ledge? The day that this neighbor decided to start exercising, strapped on her shiny leotard and slouchy leg warmers, and did her first stretch-one-two-three with Jane Fonda? How, even after Jane went out of style, this neighbor found her true love – Richard Simmons?

(Oh…Richard.

Just hearing his name brings back memories of gym class at John Adams Middle School. We would stand in rows as Richard Simmons blared over the loudspeaker. We had to follow his exhortations to jog, stretch, and pump our fists while shouting, “I…AM…SOME…ONE!” Once in a while, he would encourage us to sing, “You can do it, get up and start to move it!”

It doesn’t matter if you’re the head cheerleader, dating the quarterback of the football team, summering on Martha’s Vineyard and hosting the cast of The Hills at your birthday parties. You simply can’t be cool and chant affirmations at the same time.

If you doubt me, just try it.

Or should I say: “JUST…TRY…IT!”)

I think that my neighbor came home one day and decided that life was too short to throw on vinyl workout clothing and cry with Richard Simmons. Maybe she realized that even Jane Fonda left high impact aerobics behind years ago. Perhaps she opened the apartment door, decided that walking would be great exercise, and left the VHS tapes on the ledge as she made her way to the sweet outdoors.

Or maybe she got a DVD player.